rEsolutioners.

An Observation of Humans in Real Life

So the downside to a new year: the resolutioners are at the gym again for their annual two months of “it’s going to be different this year” weight loss plan. First type of person at the gym comes as a pair: the couple. You’ll know them because at least two items they’re wearing match whether it’s their baseball caps, tee shirts, sneakers, color scheme, something will definitely be the same. They’re the two holding hands as they parade around the gym. And I’m not against PDA–it’s disgusting, unnecessary, and unproductive (especially since your hands should be gripping the arms of an elliptical or twenty pound free weights). The second person is The Silly Woman or damsel in distress. She didn’t listen to the suggestion of using a key lock and so spends most of her time helpless and muttering curses seemingly to herself, however loud just enough to garner an audience that attempts to come to her rescue. The third person that shows up almost gives you hope for humanity, but you then notice that they are only at the gym to sit on machines and weight benches. He is so engulfed in his phone conversation…loudly talking…using the speaker…that any attraction that caught your attention dissolves as quickly as your futile attempt to add ice cubes to your plastic water bottle. The content of the discussion you overhear further confirms your wise choice not to engage the gym-goer and just enjoy the reflection of the eye candy in the mirror as you run a quarter marathon. And let’s be honest, your fantasy of sparking up a conversation even when the cutie’s call ends is not likely since he will seamless switch from talking to texting with his head down so you won’t even be able to enjoy the view from the mirror in front of you for too long. All of these resolutioners need to stop wasting their money or time signing up for trial periods. By Spring, some rooftop happy hour or garden brunch will be the first of many reasons they claim they cannot workout that day, and I’ll have my gym back for the rest of the year.