rEvival Service

Bringing life and consciousness back to me.

Kujichagulia is the second day of Kwanzaa and also marks the date of this post. It means to define ourselves, name ourselves, create for ourselves and speak for ourselves. I am on my monthly self-care retreat, but feel like I’m at a church revival service. I have put a lot of ME to the side throughout most of this year, but I’m returning to myself the best way I know how: by reflecting and writing.

It has been a while since I’ve penned a post in part because I have been serving others this entire year. 2022 was supposed to be the year of rEsetting goals I planned to manifest prior to the COVID-19 Pandemic of 2019-2021. I finally went back to London to attend week-long workshop at Oxford University for writers. I visited London again to attend a conference on personal investments. I started my Ed.D program in the Fall. I began a new job that is a one-year position with a teacher’s union (and a break from the classroom. I returned to cruising and went to Mexico from Los Angeles with an old friend, or rather TEAMmate! #InsideJokes 2022 was looking like Thee Year to Mark. WAS looking…

Sigh…literally as I begin to reflect on the turn I sighed.

I thought my mother’s health was improving, but it is almost like ailments just traded intensity. I thought my family would rise to the occasion and join together for the greater good of my maternal grandmother’s well-being. I thought I would be motherhood-bound if not bouncing a newborn around for Christmas. I thought I would have my first published book on shelves and speaking around the world about it. I thought I would own my own land and be breaking ground with a ceremonial golden shovel. I thought seemingly solidified friendships would get closer. I thought love was rekindled revived. I thought 2022 was MY year and every day of being 40 years old would be another day closer to my purpose, my infinite joy, my freedom. I THOUGHT…

Shaking my head, physically as I continue to reflect on 2022 I SMH.

2022 has been TEARS, lots of tears and even tears as I type. 2022 has been FEARS. Living at such a heightened state of unknowns and wish-I-didn’t-knows has been hard and heavy on my heart. I’m no impostor, but I felt fraud-ISH for continuing to write when everything in my life seemed to contradict the message of the book. So I stopped writing it. Abandoned a child I so desperately need to see grow up. I see news stories and social media posts that perpetuate a narrative that humans that look like me have no value or right to the rights of others, and can be treated as less than without consequence. I get told that by the “colorblind” who ignore ME with their salad bowl mix mentality about aMerica. Hollywood tells me this “subtly” in their commercials and movies with the sassy, no-nonsense, strong BLACK woman trope. The music tells me with its proclamation that I am merely a dark brown skinned sexy I-N-D-E-P-E-N-D-E-N-T woman that can handle being treated like a man since I’m not considered feminine. Amateur videos show me I’m always the suspect if shopping and a Karen or like says I intimidated them. My job uses my talents unaccredited and proclaim my gains as organizational wins, and never consider me for promotions. Men say they cannot love me for too long because their own egos and self-worth are too low. So-called friends vibrate at a lower frequency of competing on who has it worse or better banter that I no longer share anything of depth. My own mother and brother hurt me to my core when they said I do nothing for them, especially in regards to the ailments my mother is overcoming. The food I cook. The costly, healthy food items I purchase. The attempts to find alternative care and medical options. The trips to the emergency room or the pharmacy. The time and care I show means nothing because I chose to go to class for my Ed.D program, or to go to my new job that does not have a lot of leave accumulated. I had an old love return into my life seemingly like he wanted a commitment but fooled me again and just wanted my attention temporarily.

2022 had more downs than ups. This year, I have not worn my crown and purpose as fully as I would have preferred or have in the past. Too much change too fast and with negative outcomes. I have not had adequate time to recover from one thing so all the problems, sadness, issues, and anger overlap. As I take time today to revive my deeper sense of self, I also will reclaim who I am. Today is a declaration and celebration as I rename and reaffirm myself. My story is having a positive turn.

I am a God-fearing, physically fit, emotionally stable, and fully-abled confident, intelligent, and creative woman. I own several businesses that have a positive impact on society and serve those most in need. I have financial freedom, which allows me to support abused women, to serve the less fortunate, and to operate schools for historically misrepresented students. My personality attracts only those with positive motives and repels those who do not have good intentions. I am able to live, travel, learn, and invest freely. Everyday, I decide the use of my wake hours and where I will sleep. The legacy I leave will be demonstrated in my great works and my children’s great works. My bloodline will be catapulted into a high economic status that is stable and wealthy. I am a mother and wife with strong bonds and love that make for healthy, fruitful, positive, and successful relationships. I have a group of friends that are trustworthy, compassionate, fun, and accept me without jealousy nor judgment. I have several homes and land that provides for my family and builds legacy. My writing and speaking talents are revered and sought after by many. I will live a long, healthy and prosperous life with many friends and relatives by my side. My departure from earth will be peaceful. My life will be full and I will complete all of my purpose and plans. I will enjoy and see others benefit from my great works.

My alter ego is Nikki Free and she soars the skies to find comfort and peace. I am Nikki Free and I will keep moving forward and upward. Kujichagulia.